Changing My Old Ways

There are plenty of cliches about people not being able to change. ‘A leopard never changes its spots;’ ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’, etc. So perhaps I’m attempting the impossible – change.

It’s often said you should never change for anyone but yourself. Agreed. But what if the catalyst of your change has to do with someone else?

For years I have seen myself (badly) reflected in others’ eyes.  The real kicker of the whole thing was the fact that it wasn’t a reflection I only saw in strangers’ eyes, but also in the faces of those who know and love me. That’s what stopped me in my tracks and made me think a little further.

Nobody’s perfect, that’s a given. But sometimes, when something is said about you more than once, and from the mouths of different people, it becomes difficult to ignore. I’ve been stuck with plenty of labels I don’t care for and don’t really want to mention here – suffice to say they were not flattering! 

The most important question is this: how much change is too much? I think what I’ve done so far – tweaking my moods here and there, keeping my reactions more under control, and trying to be more optimistic – are all positive changes. It has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I may change so much of myself that I could lose the core of who I am. That scares me almost as much as forever being the person I am now, stuck in the same place and unable or unwilling to change or even give, just a little.

I happen to agree with some of the things that have been said about me, as difficult as that has been to admit. A lot of the changes I have made have had great results – I feel better about myself, and I can see the positive reaction of others around me. But the downside of all this is me wondering if my old self was so bad, and the things I may have lost due to the old me. 

I’m one of those people who make a bad first impression. Most people, on first meeting, find me prickly, distant, quiet and possibly snotty. Let me just explain myself here – I can be introverted, especially around new people. Somehow this translates to the labels above. I get it – I need to talk more…

I guess I want to be celebrated for the person that I am. This proves to be a bit tricky when I’m not all that sure of the person that I am. I totally disagree with people saying that being a teenager is the most difficult life stage. I think being in your 20s are much worse. You’re trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life (and there are way too many options for us), you’re dating and possibly experiencing the rollercoaster ride of trying to find a person who fits, and most of all, you’re trying to figure out where you fit in, assuming you fit in at all.

Perhaps change is a lot like clothing – you have to try different changes on to see if it fits, if it feels right and if it makes you feel good about yourself. Wish me luck!

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