Archive for May 2009
The Hardest Thing
This is the thing about women (I don’t want to include men in this, as, never having been a man, I can’t really talk on the behalf of their general population): We dream of three major goals: the perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect life. Not necessarily in that order. All of this is great in theory… and then comes reality. In real life, there is no perfect man, perfect job or perfect life (if you are such a woman who has achieved the impossible this blog entry isn’t for you). We have to accept that even our dream man will leave his socks on the floor, dump his wet towel on the bed and constantly play tag with his… um… member. Even the greatest job in the world will still involve impossible deadlines, catty co-workers and a boss breathing down your neck. The life we dream of and label perfect is still full of irritations like traffic jams, telemarketers and nagging parents/partners/siblings/children.
So as we embark on this near impossible task of having it all, we need to arm ourselves with certain things to ensure success.
Ingredient 1: Girlfriends/sisters/mothers/any member of the female race who loves you. Let’s face it – none of us can do life alone. Even if we’re single with no wonderful man to call our own, we still have our girlfriends. Those people that we can call on and sip wine with and complain for hours about our problems, or solve the problems of the world in one night. The people we can take to a dark and dingy club full of couples with their hands where they shouldn’t be in public, and dance like idiots. The people we can just be ourselves with, for better or worse. Ingredient 2: A thick skin. No one can make it in today’s world without having a healthy sense of self, and two feet planted on the ground. Ingredient 3: A strong bullshit dectector – the dating world in particular is a playground for men and women with questionable morals. Beware, they are seeking playmates!
I spent the best part of my late teens and my early twenties seeking my perfect man. As a teenager I mostly pictured someone tall, dark, handsome and smart. The older I got the more extensive my list of attributes for my perfect man became. By the time I was 24, I had all but given up on the male race. I was torn between swearing off men forever and becoming a spinster, or perhaps trying out being a lesbian. Then I met him. My perfect man. He wasn’t dark, but he was tall and handsome. I was instantly smitten. He checked off all my little boxes on my checklist and I was convinced my happily ever after was but a heartbeat away.
But paradise is never what you think it’s going to be. Three years on I am more in love than ever, but the road to here has been hard, uphill and sometimes all-out war. It’s not always easy giving all of your self to someone else. Even after three years it’s still scary. Taking two people and trying to combine their personalities, beliefs and morals can be a tricky thing indeed. To truly love someone you have to give pieces of yourself to that person, all the while having faith that you will receive pieces of them in return. You sometimes have to set aside your own needs, in order to meet those of your loved one.
What I know for sure is that having someone to love is a gift. I have become a better person through loving someone else. I have seen a different side of life, the flip side of the coin. It’s a journey that truly has no destination. And that’s the joy of it.
Add comment May 26, 2009
Lost
Photo by Yuriy Kovalenko
Rushing on the heels of time ticking by
Pushing through the thick of day
My safe haven from the madness
Is crowded with uncertainty and words already said.
I am lost and flailing
Like a helium balloon crashing out its own course;
I feel like a stranger in a skin that used to fit,
Words escaping me that I never meant to say.
My dreams are like the glint of light on glass -
Insubstantial like smoke, nothing solid to grab on to.
The roaring silence within me echoes like a scream in a canyon.
I reach for him in the darkness and come away empty,
My failures lying between us, breathing despair into the room,
Until we are heavy with its blackness.
Ahead of me is the beauty of what could be
It shimmers on the horizon, beckoning, encouraging,
But it is as elusive as the end of a rainbow.
Each stumble makes hope grow dimmer
And more than anything I fear that awaiting darkness.
Add comment May 25, 2009
The Art of Losing
A shuttered breath
Caught on the wisp of the breeze
A turned back and angry steps
The shouted notes fading and echoing
Evidence in the black streaks across her face
The pregnant stillness hangs in the space between
The stilted movements and the murmured words
Fear that the strained peace will be shattered
And broken into glinting shards
Her heart is a closed fist in her chest
Tripping in its uncertainty
Rippling in the wave of destruction left behind
She is drowning in the gulf
Their way back is littered and dark
And they walk together with the distance constant
Painstakingly placing their feet and their words
A misstep to turn to disaster
Reunion is tentative and thin
Each seeking a plan of avoidance
To evade the truths behind each blow
One too many may be the end
Add comment May 25, 2009
One for the People
Many of us rate our lives in direct proportion to what we have. We add value to our lives with our jobs, the places we visit, the things we accomplish. But what if we’re missing the point?
What if life is about the people we allow into our worlds? After all, no person who has entered my life, even for a brief period, has left me untouched. Somehow we are all connected to each other, whether directly or through a long line of mutual friends – no matter how far down the line, we are all linked. Try to imagine your life, right now, without a certain important person in it. What do you see?
For me, my husband is the person I would be lost without. It’s strange to even consider what my life would be like without him, now that I know what it’s like with him. He’s the person that colours my world and broadens my mind, the person I cannot live without.
Perhaps every person comes into our lives for a reason. Whether this reason impacts us negatively or positively, I think there is a lesson to be learned from every person you cross paths with. The trick is to figure out exactly what that lesson is, and to take what you can from the experience.
I think much of the time, we stand in our own way when it comes to reaching out to new people, or breaking a barrier with the people already in our lives. It all stems from that irritating instinct to self-protect, to refuse to take a leap when we can’t see where we’re landing. Maybe that’s half the fun. Closing your eyes, taking the leap… and hoping for the best.
All I know is that every time I’ve taken a chance, I might’ve shaken my head at myself in hindsight at the results, but I’ve never regretted those chances. I think that’s the most you can hope for – no regret, just hindsight.
Add comment May 21, 2009
Friendship
So this morning I watched the final episode of Sex & the City. I think it’s the third time I’ve watched the whole series. This is what struck me though – it was the most perfect ending to a series. All the loose ends were tied up and everyone got what they wanted in the end – Carrie got Mr Big, Charlotte got her baby, Samantha got her mojo back and you see a complete turnover for Miranda in her relationship with Steve. At the end of the episode you see the four of them walking together down a street in NY, and their closeness is palpable.
So this is my question – do friendships like this, like the one between Carrie, Miranda, Samantha & Charlotte, really exist? At the moment, my list of friends who still currently reside in SA is painfully short. I can count them on one hand plus two more fingers on my other hand.
Recently, a six-year friendship of mine came to an end. There was a fight, & now there are unresolved issues & unsaid things. But in my mind, it is truly over. No big bang, no tearful farewell… just over, as if all the years of laughing, crying, talking and being in each other’s lives never happened at all. How is it possible to care so much about a person one day, & the next they have left your life, just like that?
I have always thought of myself as a good friend. I’m there when a crisis hits, I share my wine, and when I think it will benefit them, I interfere in their lives (in a good way). What I have discovered is that being a good friend doesn’t guarantee you having good friends. Finding decent friends is almost as much of a minefield as the dating world is, except that moving on when a friendship fails is more devastating than when a guy you’ve been dating suddenly disappears. You invest more in your friendships because you assume (wrongly, I’ve discovered) that your friendships will last longer, will survive your second, third, possibly your tenth boyfriend.
From now on I’ll be a lot more discerning about those I call friends. Perhaps I should have a checklist?
3 comments May 20, 2009
Technologically Stunted
Wow. My first post. Suffice to say that it has taken me the best part of the day to first of all, find a host, and second of all, to actually set it up… and I’m still not sure I’m doing it right. Like the ‘widgets’ – why the hell do they need a title? It already says ‘calendar’ or whatever – what other title do you give it?! Frustration is my middle name. Guess I’ll have to feel my way through it. Or ask someone who actually knows how to do this – HELP!! Maybe I need to spend another day bumping around in the dark…
Add comment May 19, 2009
