A Childlike View
Do you remember how easy it was to make friends as a child? All you needed was a smile, or something small in common, like your names, or your love of barbies, and bam, new friend found. It never mattered where your friend was from, who they knew, or who their families were. It never mattered which of you had the ‘better’ life – these things simply don’t occur to kids. There may have been the odd jealousy over a friend’s prettier barbie or cooler toy car collection – but in the grand scheme of things, you were friends, and that was that.
As an adult I find it so much harder. Firstly, the opportunities to meet people gets less and less. Once you’ve passed through university, meeting new people mostly comes from mutual friends, or at work. For me, I don’t even have the work option since I work in my family’s business. Bummer.
Even holding on to current friendships seems to be a path fraught with obstacles, unspoken truths, and silent resentments. So few people ever say what they really think, keeping their mouths for the sake of not rocking the boat, or risking upsetting someone. I find that all this does is break down communication, and where there is bad communication, there is fertile ground for misunderstandings.
Maybe this is just my experience, but today’s society seems to have bred a population of self-orientated people – caring about others and helping them out is an out-dated concept of the past. It saddens me to think that sometimes, even your friends aren’t a sure thing.
I once had a friend ask me why I needed her support, seeing as I have a husband and a loving, close-knit family. The question stopped me cold, and it just made me think about how much people don’t want to bear anyone else’s problems. In my opinion, this world would be a much better place if more people took the time to be there, to be a real friend.
Add comment May 27, 2011 Jen
Knowing Me
The past week has been a difficult one. Certain events during this time have made me question myself, who I really am, and if it’s actually ok to be me. It’s difficult to ask myself these questions, because the answers that arise aren’t necessarily ones that I expected, or particularly like. It’s said that your 20s are a difficult time because this is when you make so many of your really important decisions – choosing to study or work, leaving home, and taking on responsibilities that are new and daunting. I fully believe that whoever said that, knew what they were talking about.
Questioning myself and my motives is like looking into a mirror that shows me from the inside. All the things that I’ve said and done are laid bare, and sometimes those things are painful to look at, because no matter how well I think I know myself, I still tend to surprise myself, and the surprises are not always pleasant ones. I often feel like there is no space for me to be who I am, and that the only way I can truly fit is to make a place for myself, however ill-fitting. It would be nice if I could just go through life never looking at myself, never examining why I do things – but that’s not who I am. And maybe that is a part of my burden to carry – that I will always look myself in the mirror and see beyond my reflection.
Add comment May 15, 2011 Jen
Walking the Dog
So I just took out my pup for a walk around our neighbourhood, & enjoyed it so much. Now, if you know me, you’ll know that’s a strange comment coming from me – I HATE exercise in any shape or form, unless it’s horseriding. Other than that, you’ll never find me at the gym, or jogging along the road, or (horrors of horrors) taking classes where you bounce around or stretch until you pull or break something.
But there’s something so peaceful and calming about walking a dog. The quiet, and the fact that my mind empties of all thoughts and worries, brings me such a deep sense of contentment.
We walk along, my pup’s nose glued to the ground as he sniffs out every scent along the path, and on many occasions, yanks at the leash in his bid to meet the many dogs behind our neighbours’ fences, almost causing me to meet the dirt face first. For the most part though he jogs along, tail constantly wagging, trying to snatch at his leash, his eyes bright and so happy. I don’t think there is anything happier on earth than a puppy – just like kids, they seem to see everything in great splotches of vibrant colour, and never see the dark corners or masses of grey that the rest of us see.
As our walk comes to an end and we are rounding the corner into our street, the sky comes into view where the sun is setting – what a sight. It’s just one of those moments that you drink in, where it’s just you, your dog, and the vast, brightly painted sky.
Now that’s what I call a great end to a long weekend 
Add comment April 25, 2011 Jen
Evaluating the ‘Now’
I I last wrote an entry for this blog in September, 2009. I vowed that I would never let this blog fall down the list of things to do, but I’m ashamed to say that’s exactly what happened… oops. A friend of mine asked me about this blog and it occurred to me that I rather miss having my thoughts circulating around the huge world of the web – so I’m undertaking a second (and hopefully more lasting) vow to keep it going.
Life is very different since 2009 – I’ve finally mastered a writing regime, which runs pretty smoothly most days, although it can definitely do with a bit of tweaking and refining – all in good time.
A friend and I have also decided to take the plunge and start something of our own. I won’t say much more here, but we’re both hoping that this idea will shoot us out of mediocre writing jobs and into something we can really get immersed in, and throw ourselves into 100%. I’m soooo excited about the prospects of what this idea will do for us if it’s a success – which I have no doubt it will be, with enough hard work and pushing beyond what we’ve ever done before. The biggest thing this idea could give us is the very thing we have been chasing ever since we realized we wanted to write for a living – freedom. Freedom to write what we want, to write it however we choose, and to not have anyone looking over our shoulders with a red correction pen in hand.
I have so much to be grateful for at the moment – I catch myself waking up most mornings with a feeling of light-hearted joy, and as impatient as I am for certain improvements in my life to become reality, I try to tell myself every day that I’m lucky to be alive. And I am.
1 comment April 19, 2011 Jen
Returned from the Dead
Ok, so I’ve been missing for oh… about 2 months. Mmm, maybe more (who’s counting?). I have no excuses suffice to say that I’ve been lazy and undisciplined & that this is the one & only time I’ll leave this blog this long. Here’s to actually sticking out things I start… an entirely new concept for me
This is to be my most honest, straightforward post. It’s something that I want to keep up, this total honesty, with you, & with myself. I haven’t been true to myself for a long time. Not to the writer in me, who yearns to have her words read & have them mean something to someone – even if it’s only one person on the whole planet.
I have this great idea for this novel. It’s just a seed at the moment, just a glimpse of what needs to grow into a full-fledged novel. The problem is two-fold. Firstly, I’m already writing a novel. I’m at the end – I probably have a few more pages to go & then the first draft will be done. And for the first time in about 10 years of failed attempts, I will have a complete manuscript in my hands. But I’m afraid it isn’t me, this novel. I’m afraid to put it out there, that it may not be quite what I envisioned for my first novel, my first step towards making myself known. The second problem is that although I have this great feeling for this new idea of mine for a second novel, I’m scared to pursue it. So far, every idea I have pursued into the beginnings of a novel has inevitably fizzled, until I have zero enthusiasm left for the subject & I simply let it die a silent death.
So I guess the subject here is courage. Courage to stop talking about living my dream to be a writer, & to actually write. Up until now, I’ve had so many excuses for not doing it – I’m blocked, I don’t have the right subject, I don’t have time, I’m too tired, uninspired… well you get the picture.
I think the time for excuses is over. I think my loved ones are so tired of hearing my squall about how I can’t write, about how I should really get round to it… blah blah etc. Truth be told, I’m tired of hearing myself say it.
So now I will go forth & be productive…
And I will revive this blog… even if it is only once a week.
1 comment September 15, 2009 Jen
One More Time
There are these great moments in movies. The ones where the characters have a defining moment – a capsule in time where everything has gone wrong and there seems to be no hope, but suddenly, they have an epiphany. They realise that they can fix their lives. That nothing is truly broken. That it’s never too late to start again. That bravery is simply the refusal to give up. And you see them picking up the pieces, one step at a time, not allowing doubt to creep in long enough for them to hesitate. In the end, they always triumph. Is life really that different?
People have been known to do extraordinary things. Often, these people are no more remarkable than those around them. The difference between them, and those of us who go about our lives as usual, is that they have never stayed beaten long. Failure is not in their vocabulary. It simply isn’t an option for them. Without any other options, they choose to get up and do it all over again, until it works. Are these people born this way? Or have they spent time and effort training themselves to push harder, move faster and rise above the mundane?
I think we can all live our lives the way we want to, if only we want it enough and are willing to move toward our goal, never taking our eyes off it, never allowing any obstacle to be too big. I think that those great moments in movies can be replicated in real life. I think that no matter how low we are, there is always the chance to rise again, to start from the beginning and try something different, having faith that even if we don’t end up where we originally planned, it’ll be a learning experience for the next time round.
1 comment July 19, 2009 Jen
Writing Tricks And Tips
So I was wondering if any of you budding writers, or those of you who already have published works, have any words of wisdom to share with the rest of us?
Finding time every day to write is sometimes a low priority for me. Sometimes nothing will come to mind, no matter how much I wrack my brain. Sometimes everything I write seems completely unreadable. I’ve tried to stick to a specific schedule – but you know how the saying goes – man makes plans & God sits back & laughs… I happen to agree with this. As big a planner as I am, sometimes you just can’t factor in everything.
Is it better to set a certain time frame aside? Or to decide to write a certain amount of words each day? I’ve found that sticking to a certain number of words a day does help to get the job done, but it doesn’t always guarantee the best writing.
Writing a novel takes more discipline than anything I’ve ever done. It’s also a total learning curve – you have to try things without knowing if they will work. I’ve tried writing a novel based only on a basic idea and vague characters – which didn’t work out well. For some people, this is the only way for them to write – to simply do it, without stopping to think too much. Definitely didn’t work for me. I’ve discovered that I need to plan absolutely everything, from finish to end, before I can write anything half-decent; but then I get impatient with the planning and usually dive head-first into writing – and then hit a brick wall because I haven’t planned beyond a certain point.
Any thoughts, anyone?
Add comment July 15, 2009 Jen
Move To The Music
I just had to put up this quick post. Had a great day of writing the other day so decided to celebrate with a few tunes. Which made me think – what would humanity be without music? What would move us, make us want to dance around the lounge (rhetorical question, of course), make us want to conquer the world? In my humble opinion nothing moves people like music – so go ahead: draw those blinds or curtains and take a jiving tour of your kitchen/lounge/bedroom. May the tunes be with you!
2 comments July 3, 2009 Jen
Judgement
The Bible was the first to say that we have no right to judge others. That to see clearly, we first have to remove the log from our own eye – only then can we see the speck in someone else’s. In theory, I agree with this. But what about accouting for human nature?
Judgement is part of our human makeup. Looking at someone from the outside leaves us with little to go on as far as the person inside is concerned. So we judge based on the outside package. I think that this is fairly understandable. But what happens when we judge people we know, the people we care about?
Obviously we’re not always going to agree with every choice a friend, sibling, partner or parent makes. The same thing can be looked at by dozens of different people which will inevitably result in dozens of different interpretations. We are entitled to our beliefs and our opinions – but at what point should we draw the line between supporting a loved one in their decisions and sticking to our moral code? At what point are we standing by what we believe in, or simply judging the actions of those whose shoes we can’t place ourselves in?
None of us want to be judged. We want to be supported, even celebrated, in the choices we make. But sometimes it’s really difficult to see a situation objectively when you’re right in the middle of it. Sometimes it’s an outsider who has no emotions invested in the situation that has to point out the cracks and problems. In my experience, seldom do these people get thanked for their honesty. It’s really tough to point out something to a loved one that they clearly don’t want to see or even acknowledge. Often, we just end up alienating those we love by pointing out the obvious.
I feel that it’s my duty to be honest with the people I love. If I see a friend stumbling into a situation that can only end badly, I can’t just stand back and watch him or her fall into the pit. It will weigh heavily on my conscience if I just leave them to their own devices. At the same time, they are adults and perfectly capable of making their own choices, whether they are good or bad. Who am I to tell them that they’re doing it wrong?
All I know is that I need people to be honest with me. I may not take it well right from the beginning, but you can be sure that I’ll think about it afterwards, and consider if they were right.
1 comment July 1, 2009 Jen
The Science of Diet
Ok, so my mission an hour ago was to find some advice on healthy eating. So I Googled it. Found lots of helpful advice. Then I Googled ‘how to maintain weight’ and got a lot fewer hits. Then I tried ‘how to gain weight’. Hmm. Absolutely no helpful hints except those aimed at people who have already lost weight and now want to maintain the weight they currently have. So basically, skinny people are screwed. It’s almost as if we don’t really exist as far as the rest of the world is concerned, and if we do, we are labelled as those people… you know, the ones who eat but never actually keep anything down, or those that just never eat at all.
As a skinny girl, I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with other women. I’ve had to put up with the assumption that I have some eating disorder (I mean, how is it possible to be my size and actually eat?), or I have those women who gush about how great it must be to be my size. It is here that I want to correct this assumption.
First of all, I’m really short. Petite, some would say, but I think they’re just being polite about the obvious: I’m short and really skinny. I know what you’re thinking – that it must be such a pleasure for me to go clothes shopping… trust me, it’s anything but. Because I’m short, all my pants are too long, so I have the choice of doing one of three things: rolling them up (which makes me look like a 5-year-old), wearing ridiculously high heels (which leave me cripple after an hour or two), or having them shortened (which is a mission, not to mention an expense when you have to do it with every single pair of pants). Skirts which cut average height women at the knee, cut a couple of inches below my knee, which achieves the look of a school girl in a skirt her mom is hoping she will grow into. Tops are about the only thing I can shop for with any kind of satisfaction, and then only if the stores happen to stock a xs size.
I also can’t carry off a lot of the fashion trends. Pashminas almost fall off me. Those long tops that you can basically wear as a very short dress make me look like I’m playing dressup. Long dresses only make me look shorter. High-waisted skirts make my already non-existent hips disappear completely.
My point is simply this: even us skinny gals have something to complain about. So the next time you see a teeny girl, try not to judge her. She may be like me – praying for a sudden growth spurt, and for her hips to magically appear.
1 comment June 29, 2009 Jen
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